Forever Alone With Your Thoughts
Why trying to be understood doesn't create connection.
I was sitting on a rock at 10,700 feet above sea level. And my ass hurt because I’d been there a while at this point.
About halfway through a 26 mile trail run, I’d paused to give a keynote to a couple hundred people. Even though I was completely alone. And, talking into my precariously perched phone, I recounted the story of how I’d come to be where I was that morning.
Not…ummm… not just how I’d come to be trail running through picturesque Paintbrush Canyon in Grand Teton National Park—but how I’d landed in a life where that was a pretty normal Tuesday for me.
It really boils down to one simple truth: I’ve always felt like I didn’t fit in.
Which is probably why I got really good at making it look like I did. But it always felt like a struggle. So much so that, finally, I couldn’t do it anymore. The first time I hit that wall was in high school. Then again in college. And a handful of times since. I bounced through that crash-n-burn cycle on repeat before I finally figured out why it kept happening.
You don’t know how to share your experiences so you explain your thoughts.
That’s what I’d finally realized. Take a second to let that sink in. You can even re-read it if it helps.
Here’s what it means.
Where some people swap stories, I provide answers—insights or takeaways passed off as conversational fodder but that don’t actually reveal a whole lot of personal detail. I actually thought i was pretty hot shit for figuring out how to do that. Until I realized that it had begun hurting me more than helping.
Don’t get me wrong, making friends wasn’t the issue.
And by all accounts I was a social kid. Often too social, actually. Want to hear something wild? I failed art class in elementary school. You know, like the pass/fail elective that 4th graders have after gym…
Have you ever heard of such a thing?? It was because I was “too talkative” and “couldn’t finish any of the art projects within the time allotted.” Pssshhht… right?! I mean??
This made a lot more sense after I got diagnosed with ADHD as an adult.
Oh, right—trail running.
So in my keynote, I talked about growing up in a chaotic home environment. The kind where right and wrong weren’t super clear.
You know when you can feel in your gut that something is unsafe? Well, as kids we look to the adults in our lives—and even our peers—to help calibrate this gut wisdom. Ever see a toddler who falls down, but doesn’t start crying until mom rushes over looking panicked? Yeah, like that.
Except when my gut would tell me I didn’t feel safe, the people in my life told me my gut was wrong. Which led me to stop trusting my gut. And eventually to stop trusting those people, too.
And here’s where it got tricky…
Learning to explain ourselves instead of connecting with others is an attempt at validation.
Over-explaining is a trauma response. Specifically, it’s a form of fawning. As in “fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.” This is where people explain their thoughts or actions as justified evidence to avoid conflict and gain approval.
It was a skill I developed in my life at home, but it school was where it caused problems. Because when i would share about myself and my family, the reactions from the other kids, and even teachers, validated the safe/unsafe gut feelings I’d had. Which would bring about panic. Because not only did it mean that my family was wrong, it meant there were other people who’d noticed their wrongdoings.
So I started omitting details about myself to avoid accidentally incriminating family members. Like, if I’d gone fishing with my dad over the weekend, the information I might share at school would focus on the best ways to organize a tackle box… but it wouldn’t mention the fear that helped me learn it, or why it was so important that i get it right.
Using your voice in its entirety is the key to connecting with others.
Maggie Rogers recently gave the commencement address to NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts graduating class of 2025. It was a masterclass in authentic storytelling. She shared personal details with confidence, described what she learned from them, and offered her thoughts with humility.
Her message culminated with a reference to the golden rule of art “show—don’t tell.”
She made me want to face my fear of being seen—to connect earnestly, without omission. And set myself free of protecting the shortcomings of others.
To stop living forever alone with my thoughts.
And to connect with others by sharing my experiences instead of only ever explaining myself. You can (and should) check out her full NYU commencement speech below [14 mins]
I celebrated 4 years of sobriety this week.
Not everyone needs to get sober to live a life they love.
But I did.
I wanted to actually live my life. And I wanted to stop wondering what would happen if, maybe one day, “good enough” wasn’t good enough anymore. Well, that day came. It’s been hard. And it’s also been the best gift I’ve ever given myself. Now, 4 years later, I’m more proud of myself for doing something about it than almost anything else I’ve done.
So when you’re scared of the unknown? Connect with others by sharing your experiences. Don’t fall back on explaining yourself.
And you won’t forever be alone with your thoughts.
onward.
-dmac
Here are my favorite resources for becoming unobstructed that you can use this week.
watch.
Your Insecurity is a Superpower by Andrew.
How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime by Nadine Burke Harris and TED.
4 tips for developing critical thinking skills by Steve Pearlman, Ph.D. at TEDxCapeMay.
listen.
The Anxious Generation with Trevor Noah and Jonathan Haidt.
Commitment to craft just might change your life with Jon Bernthal on Armchair Expert.
The startup synchronicity of How I Met Your Mother with Josh Radnor, Craig Thomas, and Carter Bays.
read.
Welcome back or welcome to Becoming Unobstructed.
I’m Derek, a former outdoor guide climbing my way through the tech world.
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Wow, the over-explaining part, sharing thoughts instead of experiences…That was a true aha moment over here. Thanks for sharing your experiences, very beautiful, authentic post. (And also thank you for the mention ☺️)