Please Proceed To The Edge Of The Map
Calm can be taught but confidence is something you have to find.
Confidence comes from doing, and calm is what makes it possible.
And that only happens when you try, fail, and try again. A lot. But, instead, we keep trying to find the map. Too many of us fail to recognize, or refuse to admit, that we won’t get the full picture until after traveling far enough to see it.
We think if we just find the right path, we’ll know what to do. Well, first you should know that no one knows what to do. Mmmkayy, great. So then, second thing—it’s the other way around.
Finding the path is actually the wrong label… you have to find confidence through calm repetition, and then create the path.
That all starts with taking one very wobbly step. And then another.
While you won’t find a map to your final destination, there is one that gets completely overlooked. Which feels a bit silly, so that’s why we’re going to talk about it and then hook you up with your own secret topo.
Curiosity isn’t the problem.
So what is? Great question: it’s what we do with our curiosity. That’s the part we really suck at. If the goal is building calm confidence to create the path you can’t see, it’s easy to wonder where the hell you’re supposed to start.
That’s why I’m psyched about Mark Manson’s new podcast.
He’s the author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, and the previous host of a podcast with the same name. But Mark got fed up with placating the publishing industry and their pay-to-play guest placements on prominent podcasts like his. He described it as feeling like he had to filter himself, even when he disagreed with a guest, for the sake of preserving relationships.
So he pivoted, launching a new podcast, Solved.
These are one episode per month deep dives, spanning 4 hours or more, that aim to completely cover a topic from all angles and opposing viewpoints.
His freshly released first episode is on values.
This episode made me think back to 2014. I was drinking heavily, and getting clear on my values would’ve been immensely helpful at that time in my life. I wish I’d done it sooner. Instead, I was trying to find a map or a path forward. And feeling sorry for myself that one wouldn’t show up.
Values are the core component of mapping your path with calm confidence.
Because, if you’re unclear on your values, you end up having to constantly re-decide the same stuff over and over. It’s like playing a game of Green Eggs and Ham, but with your own values and priorities.
No seriously, look:
I do not like tedious unclear asks.
I do not like them when they are tasks.
I do not like them when sent in slack.
Without a plan or with feedback.
I do not like them ahead of time.
I do not like them with no deadline.
It keeps you stuck in the position of having to re-evaluate and cross reference decisions you’ve already made. Under different conditions. And in new situations.
Getting clear on your values gives you a rubric for quick decision making.
Use evidence for why you value what you do to easily verify things you’ll do and those you won’t. Then stick to it. If you need a reminder, check your list. But don’t start from the beginning… Green Eggs and Ham isn’t for value-based decision making.
Micro-decisions cause dread and drain your energy. Let’s play this out a different way.
In practice, investigating your values might be harder than you think. Especially if it leads to making big adjustments to your life. Maybe you changed something but didn’t see results, so you quit. That’s pretty common. Most people swap out the “bandage” but expect it to fix the problem.
It won’t.
When I stopped drinking, it didn’t fix my life. But it did reveal the stuff I’d been covering; the stuff I actually needed to fix. Because there are three parts to making changes that you can see:
Bandages.
Symptoms.
Problems.
Alcohol was my bandage.
Getting rid of it helped me to see what it was covering. But to actually make the symptoms go away, you need to do more than cover them up. And that means you finally have to look for what’s causing them.
So, next time you think “it didn’t work…”
Or “why bother?”
Pause.
Then ask yourself if what you changed was even connected to the real problem.
Check out Mark’s first episode of Solved to dig further into this. It’s worth the watch (or listen, wherever you get your podcasts).
Laying in the pre-dawn light, the only thing I knew for sure was that there was a scorpion on my chest.
At first, my confusion reached for doubt.
But after blinking through the barely-awake fogginess, my brain spun to life. Laying on a rock in the desert, my vision snapped into focus, zeroing in on the rusty, gold-colored tail flicking somewhere near my collarbone.
It was April of 2014, and I was in my sleeping bag on the ground in a dried up riverbed somewhere in Utah. The sand had seemed like a good way to construct a makeshift tempurpedic flatress. And, after a month of using my backpack as a pillow, I’d opted for luxury. I stand by it.
As my mind grew more alert, it became clear that I’d better keep still.
I remember feeling strangely calm. So much so that it almost surprised me more than the pointy-clawed swordsman atop my sleeping bag.
“what the actual fuck am I doing here??”, I wondered…
And you know what? I’d really thought about it. That whole, time-slows-down-during-tense-situations thing? It’s legit. My curiosity retraced my steps, trying to figure out exactly how I’d ended up out here on the edge of the map.
I’d been looking for clarity.
More specifically, I wanted calm and quiet, but hoped for clarity. Life back home was a booze induced blur. One where skills for enduring pain pretended to be the non-existent coping skills they so badly wanted to be.
So, I’d opted for 90 days of living out of a backpack, navigating the Rocky Mountain West with a leadership development group.
When you’re only focused on making your way across the map with a group of people doing the same, life gets pretty simple.
Pack your backpack, walk, find water, pick a place to set up camp, cook, sleep… and then do it again.
A few things happened on that trip.
I had a lot of time to think. And to journal. But I also made connections with the small collection of people with me. We learned different group facilitation skills, all rooted in calm judgement and decision making.
With a scorpion on my chest, I’d remained still.
Calm. Because I ran through what I knew to be true, building evidence that gave me confidence.
We had a satellite phone.
We were miles from civilization.
We were a mix of EMTs and First Responders.
I weighed my options. No one else was awake, at least from what I could tell. And I couldn’t exactly move to check, with Sir Lancealot ready to strike.
Exhaling slowly, I considered a solution.
It was completely ridiculous… but I figured it could work. Rolling slightly from my back toward my side, I tried to reposition my arm inside my sleeping bag. Shimmying your hand toward your face without moving your arm is, well, difficult.
But I’d managed to get my fingers to the edge of the zipper, pulling it open from my right shoulder to my rib cage. Then, I gripped the seam of the now unzipped section of sleeping bag… moving my free hand into place, I exhaled like a sniper preparing to take the shot.
SNAPPPPP!
My hand struck the underside of my sleeping bag turned trampoline, sending the scorpion flying off of me.
Confidence doesn’t come from knowing where to go.
It comes from knowing you can keep going, even without a map. Following your curiosity is not the same as leading with it. One restricts, the other expands. And there’s a time and place for both.
Knowing which to use helps you grow.
But knowing when is what helps others grow with you.
Calm repetitions build confidence. And confidence moves you far enough on the map to gain clarity. So, please proceed to the edge of the map.
And enjoy the trip.
onward.
-dmac
Here are my favorite resources for becoming unobstructed that you can use this week.
watch.
A Day in My Life at Google (8 years in) with Jeff Su.
Climbing Through with Julia Niles and Em Pellerin.
The 7 Different Vibes Of Life & How You Can Use Them with Timm Chiusano.
listen.
High functioning depression with Dr. Judith Joseph and Rich Roll.
The therapist who breaks all the rules with Terry Real and Tim Ferriss.
Creating art and assigning value with Derek Fordjour and Trevor Noah.
read.
Uncertainty Isn’t the Problem — Reacting to It Blindly Is by Kathy Wu Brady.
Why Neurodivergent and Highly Sensitive People Need Nervous System Work More Than Ever by Divergent Talent Alchemist-Jen.
P.S. If you’re new to my work, I think you’d also enjoy my blog. That’s where you’ll find everything I publish, including my daily email series.
Love this, and appreciate what you shared about ditching alcohol. I’ve been on and off with it for years because it feels like a bandage to me, so this was inspiring.