Thank you for not focusing on dating as your source of loneliness, I appreciate that this is you taking accountability for building friendship! And to level with you even more, our world is not build very well for connection, we gotta get back to the village 🫶
I really appreciate this, Jenn! And I think you're so right—we need the village. I'm here for it. Hopefully in the meantime, we can demonstrate what creating connection can look like
The fact that my 26, almost 27 year old son, falls into the 15% of men that have no close friends at all is probably one of the most heartbreaking things in my life right now. Truly. And not knowing what to do about it. Most people don’t form new adult friendships outside of college. So, yeah… I get it.
Thank you for this.✨💕
P.S. There’s a loneliness epidemic in general. Just as you said, it’s like no one knows how to talk to each other anymore.
I'm rooting for you and your son! Your interest in him and the life he's creating come through in what you shared. That sounds really tough to go through—he's lucky to have your support!
This was a really powerful essay. That second arrow. Struggling with that myself. I'm a quiet person--more comfortable writing than talking, and I realized reading your essay that it's a bit of a dodge. When I write, I can take time to think, and to "curate" my response. Communication is much more intimidating in person, on the fly, when all my awkwardness is on full display. But maybe that's ok. I'll be thinking about this. Thank you.
Wendy, thank you for this! It means a lot to hear about the ways this prompted reflection for you. It's also nice to feel seen, because I've wrestled with that same question of whether my preference for writing over talking is a dodge. For what it's worth, let the awkwardness out. I've found the more you do, the more you realize it isn't as awkward as you've built it up to be in your head
Wow. This was timely. And something I hadn’t put into words with my space from social media but I TOTALLY feel the same! 🤍❤️ Even though I am a woman, I can totally relate! 🤍🤍 Also, you have great writing! Thank you for sharing! 💫
Thanks so much for reading and for the kind words!! It’s bittersweet to hear you relate—on the one hand, that’s no fun. But on the other, it’s nice to feel less alone!
Yes! Loneliness is not about having or not having people around…I’ve been in a 100,000 person venue and felt completely alone. It’s about having something important to say and not saying it…or saying it and being disregarded or ignored. Vulnerability! Honesty! The strength to speak what I am afraid to
Thought provoking piece! Another group of people (that also includes men) who are often isolated is disabled and chronically ill people. This isolation is more structural than personal. Meaning I see it less as an issue of choices or things that can be addressed by behavioral change on the part of disabled people. Many chronically ill people are literally told they have to be physically separated from most people to reduce their risk of illness and/or complications. But even thought this is structural, disabled people are made responsible for our own isolation. Most people would say something like “He can’t go to the event because of his disability/pain/illness.” They do not say, “He can’t go because the event is inaccessible.” To many people, this pure statement of fact feels aggressive because it is not blaming the disability for the inability to go. The event is organized by people who don’t have that disability to contend with. It doesn’t mean that those people have to be malicious, but they did make choices that made it inaccessible. Maybe there weren’t even any choices that could make it accessible, which makes it feel even more unfair to consider them responsible. However, this still means that society is making it so that both the disabled person and the event organizers feel victimized by a larger structure.
I say all this note that there are some personal choices that you’ve made to address loneliness. You have some agency. There’s also ways in which people don’t have agency to address loneliness and we need solutions for those underlying issues. What structures are different that enabled more men to have close friends 30 years ago? Who was helped and harmed by them? What structures do we need to make loneliness less prevalent (for all genders) now and in the future?
Finally, I found your comment about why vs. what intriguing. I think what happened makes sense in storytelling when the story speaks for itself. The vulnerability is in sharing the events and we have cultural scripts for why these things matter. But there’s plenty of vulnerability in why too. Even your explanation of why vs what is a story of why and it’s a vulnerable story. It could be told as a what story but so often stories like that don’t have a defining moment. The why is the what.
Such a powerful piece Derek, and thank you for sharing what must have been a weight to carry.
The phrase ‘recounting evidence instead of reliving memory’ hits me like a quiet truth.
Your honesty doesn’t just name loneliness—it maps a way through it.
Sharing ‘what happened’ instead of ‘why you did it’… might be the gentlest form of repair we have.”
Whilst social media can be a passifier to many, it does, in my view, have endless doom scrolling, lack of closure and a veneer and polished imagery that doesn't exist in reality.
Add to the lack of true reciprocity...
- A 👍 rather a real acknowledgement
- A "great post" rather than a real conversation
And there's a much bigger problem than people realise.
A lot to unpack and thanks once again for taking the steps to share.
Wasn’t even written for me, and I needed it. Now 21 days into FB’s 30 day remorse period in case they can drag you back. I feel better in so many ways but a couple, “ir guess we’re not friends” texts (ummm, look, you have my actual number) and “it’s really hard to remember outside the group chat” (I’m just going to be ok with that. It says a lot.) I might be lonesome for what did not exist but I am more connected to what does.
Thank you for not focusing on dating as your source of loneliness, I appreciate that this is you taking accountability for building friendship! And to level with you even more, our world is not build very well for connection, we gotta get back to the village 🫶
I really appreciate this, Jenn! And I think you're so right—we need the village. I'm here for it. Hopefully in the meantime, we can demonstrate what creating connection can look like
Ps. You inspired my reel today
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DN1l6Qw3l3O/?igsh=a25seDN3YnQxNzdj
The fact that my 26, almost 27 year old son, falls into the 15% of men that have no close friends at all is probably one of the most heartbreaking things in my life right now. Truly. And not knowing what to do about it. Most people don’t form new adult friendships outside of college. So, yeah… I get it.
Thank you for this.✨💕
P.S. There’s a loneliness epidemic in general. Just as you said, it’s like no one knows how to talk to each other anymore.
I'm rooting for you and your son! Your interest in him and the life he's creating come through in what you shared. That sounds really tough to go through—he's lucky to have your support!
This was a really powerful essay. That second arrow. Struggling with that myself. I'm a quiet person--more comfortable writing than talking, and I realized reading your essay that it's a bit of a dodge. When I write, I can take time to think, and to "curate" my response. Communication is much more intimidating in person, on the fly, when all my awkwardness is on full display. But maybe that's ok. I'll be thinking about this. Thank you.
I can totally relate about not being able to “curate” and take your time and that it can make it intimidating to communicate otherwise! 🤍💜
Glad it isn’t just me! Intimidating for sure, but less so when you know others are experiencing the same. Thanks for sharing, Ashley!
Wendy, thank you for this! It means a lot to hear about the ways this prompted reflection for you. It's also nice to feel seen, because I've wrestled with that same question of whether my preference for writing over talking is a dodge. For what it's worth, let the awkwardness out. I've found the more you do, the more you realize it isn't as awkward as you've built it up to be in your head
What we want is on the other side of what we fear
Yep, and the hardest part is doing something about it once you know it
This was a great article! You are helping solve this silent loneliness epidemic. Bravo!
I really appreciate that. Thanks so much for reading!
This is a great post Derek. Thanks for writing it and sharing 🙏
Thanks for reading and for the kind words, Adam!!
Thank you for writing this great piece.
Thanks so much for reading!
Wow. This was timely. And something I hadn’t put into words with my space from social media but I TOTALLY feel the same! 🤍❤️ Even though I am a woman, I can totally relate! 🤍🤍 Also, you have great writing! Thank you for sharing! 💫
Thanks so much for reading and for the kind words!! It’s bittersweet to hear you relate—on the one hand, that’s no fun. But on the other, it’s nice to feel less alone!
Relation - regardless of what it is - oddly is what brings us together! And therefore, we are less alone! 😂 bonus! Lol
You’re so right!
Thanks for the read. Too much B.S. online and others follow it to fit in. Until then be cool 😎 and you.
Thank you for reading Ulysses!
I absolutely LOVE the GPS system. Grace, pace, space. Thank you. I’ll be using that in my own life. What a wonderful mantra for meditation and beyond.
I'm so glad it stuck with you, Sharon! Thank you for reading
Yes! Loneliness is not about having or not having people around…I’ve been in a 100,000 person venue and felt completely alone. It’s about having something important to say and not saying it…or saying it and being disregarded or ignored. Vulnerability! Honesty! The strength to speak what I am afraid to
You're spot on, Kevin! That feeling of being disregarded or ignored is what leads to withdrawing more and more. Thanks for reading!
Thanks for writing!
Thought provoking piece! Another group of people (that also includes men) who are often isolated is disabled and chronically ill people. This isolation is more structural than personal. Meaning I see it less as an issue of choices or things that can be addressed by behavioral change on the part of disabled people. Many chronically ill people are literally told they have to be physically separated from most people to reduce their risk of illness and/or complications. But even thought this is structural, disabled people are made responsible for our own isolation. Most people would say something like “He can’t go to the event because of his disability/pain/illness.” They do not say, “He can’t go because the event is inaccessible.” To many people, this pure statement of fact feels aggressive because it is not blaming the disability for the inability to go. The event is organized by people who don’t have that disability to contend with. It doesn’t mean that those people have to be malicious, but they did make choices that made it inaccessible. Maybe there weren’t even any choices that could make it accessible, which makes it feel even more unfair to consider them responsible. However, this still means that society is making it so that both the disabled person and the event organizers feel victimized by a larger structure.
I say all this note that there are some personal choices that you’ve made to address loneliness. You have some agency. There’s also ways in which people don’t have agency to address loneliness and we need solutions for those underlying issues. What structures are different that enabled more men to have close friends 30 years ago? Who was helped and harmed by them? What structures do we need to make loneliness less prevalent (for all genders) now and in the future?
Finally, I found your comment about why vs. what intriguing. I think what happened makes sense in storytelling when the story speaks for itself. The vulnerability is in sharing the events and we have cultural scripts for why these things matter. But there’s plenty of vulnerability in why too. Even your explanation of why vs what is a story of why and it’s a vulnerable story. It could be told as a what story but so often stories like that don’t have a defining moment. The why is the what.
Such a powerful piece Derek, and thank you for sharing what must have been a weight to carry.
The phrase ‘recounting evidence instead of reliving memory’ hits me like a quiet truth.
Your honesty doesn’t just name loneliness—it maps a way through it.
Sharing ‘what happened’ instead of ‘why you did it’… might be the gentlest form of repair we have.”
Whilst social media can be a passifier to many, it does, in my view, have endless doom scrolling, lack of closure and a veneer and polished imagery that doesn't exist in reality.
Add to the lack of true reciprocity...
- A 👍 rather a real acknowledgement
- A "great post" rather than a real conversation
And there's a much bigger problem than people realise.
A lot to unpack and thanks once again for taking the steps to share.
Love this piece ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks so much for reading, Karin!
Wasn’t even written for me, and I needed it. Now 21 days into FB’s 30 day remorse period in case they can drag you back. I feel better in so many ways but a couple, “ir guess we’re not friends” texts (ummm, look, you have my actual number) and “it’s really hard to remember outside the group chat” (I’m just going to be ok with that. It says a lot.) I might be lonesome for what did not exist but I am more connected to what does.