It’s not your responsibility to manage how others perceive you.
Most people won’t realize how much you filter yourself. At least, I’d hoped they wouldn’t. And it worked for a while. They might not always notice when you swap out your words mid sentence. Or when you redirect conversations away from personal details. But they will when you do it all the time. Even if it comes from a good place, like not wanting to be abrasive.
When you decide not to share openly, it’s probably because you’re pretttyyyy sure you’ll get misunderstood.
I’ve spent my life trying to appear calm. My goal for a long time wasn’t just to seem composed, but unfazed. Totally fine. Completely copacetic. Even when I’d be crumbling on the inside, my default was to keep things looking smooth.
I’ve been praised for my composure.
Given leadership roles for it.
And been ridiculed for it.
Broken up with because of it.
Held hostage by my nervous system over it.
Eventually I’d learn the difference between composure and masking.
The Unobstructed Podcast: Episode 18
In this episode, Rachael and I talk about what happens when filtering becomes an engrained personality trait (a la yours truly).
I forget what it feels like to speak without checking myself first. A childhood coping strategy transformed itself from useful, to useless, and finally to utilized. And I’m really grateful to Rachael for opening the door to this conversation by asking me if I was ok. Because I wasn’t.
She had the patience to sit with me while I worked through it. And the curiosity to ask questions while offering compassion. It led to some hot takes. And an honest look at the misleading label of “psychological safety.”
I, for one, think it’s bullshit. Not the practice—the people who pretend like they’re willing to uphold it within their culture. This hollow adoption is what leads others to suppress themselves in order to hold onto their place of safety.
Because some of us learned very early on that saying the wrong thing means trouble, even when it shouldn’t. And that doesn’t magically disappear because you grew up.
As always, you can listen above or on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and Amazon Music.
onward.
-dmac
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